I wanted to write about what change has been like for me this year. It’s as if I had been swimming upstream, yet clinging to a rock, and still expecting to get somewhere. Change was not about understanding the rock I was holding onto. It was about developing so much Trust and Connection with myself and with the larger picture into which I myself am growing into that I could release my grip on the rock.
The year started out with an exodus of money—significant amounts of money. This kind of stuff usually makes me a nervous wreck.
But I had been doing targeted deep breathing and body movement work with Kathryn Yarborough and I made a choice. Nothing in my meditations and clear connection with Presence ever made me feel unsafe. I felt quite safe and received quite a few realizations/answers to questions. I was pretty sure if I were unsafe, I would have felt it.
It happened five times. I chose to trust each time.
I guess the Universe was finally satisfied. I experienced a huge easing up about money. I even went on to feeling so juicy and organic about it—making conscious choices about spending my money became more effortless. I was able to more readily acknowledge the things I wanted, de-prioritize other things because I could tell they really wouldn’t change my well being, and I even began to get inner wisdom about how much I really wanted to spend on something – inner wisdom on what was worth spending on, how much, and when to seek a significant bargain. Effortless. It kind of got to be fun.
Before I left for vacation (which we had saved for) I experienced i) obtaining the perfect backpack for myself brand new for free, ii) having the perfect book I needed right then also sent to me for free, and iii) being sent enough extra unplanned cash that I was able to get a better camera than I had.
The book arrived at my door an hour before I left for vacation. I didn’t ever worry or think about money on that vacation. That’s a first.
Universe isn’t saying to me that it will be like this always. But it is saying that I can continue to Trust no matter what the situation.
I have had a fairly strong connection to Spirit or Source my whole life. My whole outlook, and even what I was taught, rests on that the Divine is within each of us. What was different was that this year began with such a deeper connection to that Spirit in my own skin, a very alive and intimate energy that I consciously chose to allow to arise and connect with.
It seems invisible but the energy and presence are very real. And so I carried this Trust in my belly, amidst the nervousness in my head.
Saying yes to this trust has brought about immense healings in a very short period of time this year; and beyond healing, active action oriented energy to change the nature of my work in this world. I wrote this poem during one of those rare moments of profound acceptance of my journey.
It is you who visits me in my dreams, each night, preparing me for each of my next mornings.
It is you who shows me when the water is crashing, or clear. You are the clarity of the water. You are the flow, and the rate of the flow.
You are the beauty of the colored etchings wrought onto the stones that my eyes happen upon from above.
And me, it was me engineering the elements in my life back then…other hearts, and souls. How feeble, how innocent. Demonic, in an unintentional way.
It was me who broke, your waters careening through my feeble dam.
And then, an emptying. Sometimes I could make sense of the pieces. But more often than not, no. I wondered whether it was untruth or truth pouring out.
I was so still then, I felt it would be up to me at the end, to let back in what was mine. And again…it must have been you. I lay watching you put me back together. I came out different, like an adapted recipe—less of some things, more of others. And I don’t know that I ever re-established a relationship with this new adapted me, like I had so naturally like a tight glove with the other.
And it was me who didn’t know how to trust. I mean anything.
This moment. Here. My where withal.
Monisha Mittal lives in Fairfax, VA with her husband, where she will begin offering heart-based wellness services for individuals, groups and organizations through her own business, “Listen to Your Inner Ease.” Working from a sacred space (and her own source of wellness), Monisha has helped guide both individuals and groups to the source of wellness in them, thereby tapping into their own “tailored” set of solutions for the issues at hand.